Post-Schrödinger's cat - not cancer, still tired from living "as if"

 Very happy and excited to report that the samples they took while I snoozed were both benign. The day I got the call from the surgeon and the day after - it was like I was Scrooge after being visited by the three ghosts, waking up and finding out I have been given a second chance. I went through the most dramatic right tonsillectomy and pharyngeal biopsy and am set free to keep on keeping on. I am grateful for all of the tsunami waves of support from my friends, family, colleagues, and people I only know on social media - all your words and messages mattered. So now I go back to living "as if", which gets real tiring as anyone with a chronic condition like cancer knows. I go through my days "as if" things are normal (by now, after 19 years, it is mostly memory of what normal was); "as if" I am not experiencing treatment side effect pain (hey, I paid a lot for that headache and facial nerve damage); "as if" I can meet all of my responsibilities and scheduled activities on my personal and work calendars (really, everyone is walking around with that one, since at any time something can happen that will impact our continuing "as if" things are normal). My bosses were empathetic, asking what they could do to help, and at the time, I couldn't think of anything. Something has come to mind that might help you if you are a boss of someone that is working "as if" - and we all are, "as if" we are not experiencing physical or emotional pain, or we are trying to maintain focus on the job "as if" we aren't worrying about family members, or we are wearing a confident front "as if" we aren't afraid for personal or family members' safety. If you are a boss/leader/administrator/team mate of any fellow human, be brave and consider asking them if there is something they do that does not bring them joy and take that off their shoulders while they are going through the most stressful times. I say "be brave", because you may end up being the person that takes on that unjoyful duty for a time. Just recognize please when you assign new duties to your team member that is facing a bigger situation than usual, and ask if this can be added to their list or if they have reached their limit and the "as if" facade will crack with the additional workload. Personally, I feel like I should get paid hazard pay for working full time through all that this summer.

Kaleidoscope image

Knowing my supervisor and dean are loving managers kept me going even while forcing my "as if" normal actions all summer as I wondered what Freeloading Frank was up to, then those last awful two weeks as I faced the procedure and then waited for the results. They have a long history of keeping myself and my fellow library humans in mind when considering how we are going to meet the mission in the best way. I wish anyone facing personal issues to have bosses like mine. This counts for all the way up the university chain of command, too - could be because our leaders are healthcare and research professionals that have gone through some hard stuff of their own and recognize human feelings and abilities.

I expect to be silent on personal health issues for a while as I get back in the groove of regular work along with the extra work of preparing to retire this spring. Cheering for all of us as we face each day "as if" things are normal, no matter what abnormal things we are hauling around or living through. Remember #HumansWin. 

19 years past initial cancer treatment: Schrödinger's cat

 I am still living the good life in Nebraska, but I have a bit of a house party going on in my head. There is an enlarging lymph node near oritinal Adeniod Cystic Carcinoma cancer site that they have been watching. I learned abou tit in May when they called for two MRI to see it. The plan was to wait until the end of summer to do a CT scan and check for additional growth. I asked Dear Husband 

Honest, I was only sitting near the sign,
 not creating a new "old lady" exhibit!

when I had last had a good summer, as this summer was full of trying not to think or worry about whatever Schrödinger's cat was hanging aound in my head - he said "the summer before we met?" Funny man. 

I had named the retropharangeal lymph node "Freeloading Frank", and encouraged it whenever I thought abou it to leave, vacate, get lost. The CT scan took place last week of August, and things started getting faster then. Nope, Freeloading Frant was not any bigger. There was a new spot on the other side of my head that showed up in the 3 months, so a biopsy was needed. I had that yesterday, and can report that the Schrödinger's cat is out of the box now, and results will be shared with me after Wednesday. By phone, unfortunately. Years ago, I wanted news shared with me in an office setting, but the wheels have turned and phone is the main method of giving test results. Bleh. 

My kids and husband are fantastic. Daughter said that Freeloading Frank wasn't following house rules when he invited a guest over. Son is coming by today to share popsicles with me. My friends and coworkers are fantastic. One dropped off flowers as a surprise after the CT scan results were learned, texting me the flowers were on the portch (knowing I wasn't ready to meet anyone). My fellow library colleagues have stepped up and taken on responsibilities so I could undertake the short-notice biospy (Fall is a very busy teaching season for this professor). My leaders have shown empathy while fighting off their own worries about what work will be impacted if I have to start treatment. The good news there is I had already been preparing to retire in March 2026 and everyone knows what is to be done. My surgery team was fantastic from pre-op to post-op. I actually knew the resident (I am courtesy faculty for Otolaryngology, more of my ironic life!). I met the surgeon for the first time as I was getting readied for surgery - really great professional, and understood me. I thanked the team with crystals for their respective home or office windows, saying I was grateful for the light they who in this great world we share. (Plus, they all deserve to see some pretty rainbows after having to see my insides-ha!

This biopsy is in the right nasal pharynx area (think about where you feel cold air hit when you inhale it through your nose), opposite of my cancer site. They also took a couple of chunks (yeah, that is my scientific verbiage!) out of my right tonsil, since it was below that area. They hypothesized if this is a cancer, it is probably due to the massive radiation I received years ago. Thankfully, patients don't get that much radiation now thanks to what folks learned from my fellow cancer fighters in 2006. I remember signing the permission form for radiation thereapy. The form was clear that the treatment could cause new cancers as well as death. 

There has been some PTSD going through this biopsy process. I remember the cliff I faced in 2006. But I also know whatever I went through last time, if I face anything this time it will be totally new. I am a different person, more powerful through experience, knowledge, and support network. I know not to catastrophize what is taking place. I know not to envision the worst while I am waiting for the results. Still, I had a private moment of tears in my car the day before the biopsy, facing the fact that either due to this or just old age, the world will continue without me in it. Before that takes place, I will keep my plan I made in 2006 to spread kindness and support my fellow humans to help make #HumansWin.